Since Mother's Day, I've been meditating on mothers who influenced the way I approach mothering and I must say it's been eye-opening even for me. Have I never thought about this before?
Like everyone, I presume, my own mom influenced me the most. She had a no nonsense approach to mothering. On Saturday morning, she would don Daddy's brown leather belt around her neck and when she wore that particular "necklace," we knew to walk the line. Mama intended the house to get clean and that neck adornment kept us acutely aware of the task at hand.
Now on Saturday mornings, I hear myself barking orders like my mom did. And often enough, I see my girls roll their eyes like I did 30 years ago. Occasionally, I'll even hear myself ask that horribly insane question, "Do you want me to spank you?" (That question surely tops the pile on stupid questions. Do we imagine our kids saying, "Yes, I think that a spanking is in order. I haven't been listening like I should Mom. You sit down and rest while I go find a good strong paddle.")?
Mama had a "mature" way of looking at bad behavior. Once while driving through a parking lot, as we slowed for a speed bump, we observed less than 20 feet from us, a couple involved in illicit activity. Mama sat up perfectly straight as if she was thinking, "surely better posture will correct my vision." As we gawked, the couple continued their groping right in front of us. Shocked, Mama droned, "Well I do declare." (That was a standard expression of my youth, yet I was in my 20's before I realized she wasn't saying, "I duty claire.")
Regularly I hear myself say all those strange cliches and expressions I grew up with and I say them just like my mom did. "What in the cotton pickin' Sam Hill is goin' on in here?" "Well, forever more." Yes, my mom heavily influenced my verbal mothering style.
Gay Heath was the pastor's wife in the church I grew up in. From six-years-old, I observed her style of mothering. She had a more no-nonsense approach to mothering than my own mom. She was a big-time disciplinarian. It wasn't a bit unusual for her to shake, spank, rebuke whatever child (her child or grandchild usually) was near her. Toddlers were expected to sit quietly in church and when she was in charge, they did, or else they left the sanctuary for toddler reckoning. From her I saw that spankings work very well to accomplish needed adjustments in one's behavior or attitude. Back then, it wasn't even on the radar that "kids will be kids" or that spankings were wrong. I grew up with a fine repetroire of Bible verses that taught physical discipline.
When I was in grade 8, I left Hatfield School and joined the ranks at Noonday Christian Academy. There I came into relationship with women who mothered in ways that were foreign to me. So as not to slander anyone, I will call this woman, let's say, Doris. For the most part, I didn't like nor respect Doris. Matter of fact, my face is contorting in anguish as I think about her right at this moment.
If there was anything fun going on, you could bet she would be against it. She was so dreadfully serious about everything, that I equated her with about the same esteem as hemorrhoids. I was quite adept at laughing, but in her presence laughing seemed about as appropriate as premarital sex. I could write volumes about her being a wet blanket. (Several years ago I had a writing assignment where I had to write a letter -unmailed of course- to an antagonist in my life. I chose Doris. I'm getting terribly distracted here. This is supposed to be about mothers, not prudes. However there's a prude article dying to leave my fingertips as I type this.)
Back to mothers; From Doris, I learned how to create mountains out of mole hills. As much as I disliked her, she taught me that everything was an opportunity to lecture on something serious. Lord how I abhorred those lectures and so badly wanted to encourage her to go poop out the broom stick lodged up her derriere. (Oh my, did I say that? Man, I think I have unresolved issues coming to the fore.) Back to mothering: If there was a child looking at a flower, Doris would join the poor child and begin to teach a lesson. She would pick the flower and dissect it, lecturing all the time about how God created the flower with such intelligent design. "See this is the pistil, where the seeds are born. Not unlike the human ovaries."
Well, guess what. As much as I hated the lectures, I admired that she knew all that stuff and could recall it at will. Now I find myself making learning opportunities out of daily experiences. I sure hope I don't turn kids off like Doris did me. Clearly she was an influence in mothering too.
In this new school environment, I also encountered Phyllis Murphy, Gwen Wright, and Ann Hatley. They were committed, nurturing mothers that I greatly admired. I wanted to be like them. Back then I didn't call any of them by their first names, but for simplicity I will now. Gwen had a belly laugh that I loved and she was so nurturing and gentle with her girls. Phyllis and Ann approached mothering with intelligence, seriousness, nurture, gentleness, and smiles. All these women stressed healthful lifestyles. They were my first exposure to health food, balanced diets, millet and lentils. They more than influenced me in mothering, they modeled the marriage of mothering and spirituality. In ways, I was awed by them. I am thankful for all their influences.
Lastly, my sisters Diane and Stacie mentored me too. They modeled "reading the experts." From them I learned about James Dobson, Gary Smalley, and other writers that taught on parenting. Those books I read were priceless in teaching me parenting principles and childrearing skills. I'm very thankful Diane and Stacie imparted that to me.
All these women played a role in who I am today, particularly as a mother.
Labels: arkansas, childhood, mama, mothers
